When someone you are friends with experiences a loss, it’s easy to feel helpless. What should you say? How can you help? Here are my most compassionate responses that will help your friend who is grieving feel supported and cared for.
1 Be present and listen
At this time, put your ego and need to have the answers aside. Just be present and listen to your friend.
Believe it or not,some people are going to give your friend platitudes and advice because it makes them feel useful. So, things like, “You’ve got plenty of life left to meet someone else”, “Get down to the lawyer so that your family doesn’t take your things out of the house” and “God needed another angel in heaven” are useless. These responses are focused on the help-er, and do not help your friend who is grieving to feel cared for.
The work of grief is to make sense of what has happened, to process the feelings that come up when grieving and to begin to build a life without our loved one. This work requires the bereaved to talk, reflect and remember at their own pace and in their own time. Being a peaceful person who will listen and ask gentle questions is the best help you can give your friend who is grieving.
2 Offer Practical Support
If you ask your friend what they need, it is likely that they do not know. It’s better to ask specific questions such as, ‘can I pick up some groceries for you?’, ‘would you like me to babysit on Friday?’ or ‘would it be helpful if I mowed your lawn?’. Grieving people often have low energy and a reduced capacity to make decisions in the short term. Offering specific help will help your friend who is grieving to identify what they need.
3 Compassionate Responses
Attend the funeral if you are able, and sign the attendance book. When it is over, the bereaved will look through the book and see the list of people who have attended. It will be comforting for them to know who has been there, even if they don’t remember who was there on the day.
Ask gentle questions about your friend’s life with their loved one, and use their loved one’s name. This won’t upset them or make them more sad. It can feel as if the person who has died never existed if friends are reluctant to talk about them. Helping to keep the memories alive is a caring thing to do.
If you live far away from the bereaved and can’t visit in person, a card, phone call or email will be appreciated. After 3 months, many people stop offering help to a griend who is grieving. That is very early in the grieiving work, and support is needed for many more months to come. Be the person who remembers the date of the death, and reaches out then. At 8 months, make a phone call to check in. At 10 months, go out for coffee together. Ongoing, consistent care makes a world of difference.
Therefore, to help your friend who is grieving, be present, listen, offer practical help and ongoing compassionate care. They will appreciate it and you will know you’ve offered caring, compassionate support.
