When your child won’t go to school, it’s distressing – for them and for you as a parent. There are a lot of reasons why kids don’t want to go to school. It used to be called ‘school refusal’, but more recently the term used is ‘school can’t’. This term gives nuance to the situation, meaning that it’s not a choice for your child, they really can not go to school without overwhelming emotional distress.
School Can’t is not a one-time choice to stay at home. School Can’t is a pattern of not being able to attend school due to internal and external factors. It impacts on the child, parents, siblings and also on the academic progress of your young person.
Your child will not be the first at their school to be experiencing levels of stress that are high enough to make staying at home preferrable to attending classes. There are a few common causes which parents can address with or on behalf of their child.
Anxiety
One may be anxiety; separation anxiety, social anxiety or generalised anxiety. The uncertainty of the school environment and how other people will respond to them can be overwhelming for young people. Neurodiversity may play a part; perhaps sensory overload is a factor. Expectations at school differ from those at home and this can cause stress.
Bullying
Bullying is a common cause of kids wanting to stay home. If young people don’t feel safe at school, they will retreat to the familiar, safe, predictable home environment and avoid being exposed to repeated bullying.
Academic Progress
Trouble with school work due to learning difficulties, perfectionism and from missing classes can easily snowball into a seemingly unsurmountable challenge. Feelings of embarrassment, low self confidence and overwhelm due to struggles with academic work can seem too intense to manage, so staying at home appears to be a good alternative.
Forcing your child to go to school might make you feel like you’re doing something to help the situation, but is it actually helping your child? Being at school while feeling distressed, unsafe and overwhelmed may not be the best goal to set for your child. Parents need to reflect on their motivation for having their child re-engage with schooling, and ensure that the child’s needs are prioritised over the need for the family to manage appearances.
Unfortunately, rather than solving issues, staying at home tends to increase isolation and low self-esteem. Additionally, it can add tensions to family relationships. Parents usually feel helpless and stressed when faced with a child who will not go to school.
So, what can a parent do when your child won’t go to school?
1 Collaborate with the school. Communicate openly with the teachers, co-ordinators and school staff to develop a supportive plan for your child’s return to school and a strategy for managing their absence. If bullying is a contributing factor, the school should know about your child’s experience. Teachers may suggest a phased return to school, in which case positive reinforcement from you will play an important part.
2 Listen to your child and try to understand their concerns. Take bullying seriously. Tell them of any plans you’ve made to support them at home, and how they will re-engage with school. Your child’s fears are valid and should be affirmed.
3 Access a mental health professional. A psychologist will be able to diagnose any underlying mental health issues or conditions. A counsellor can support the family and/or the young person. They can help to develop coping strategies for the child and process the complicated emotions that come from parenting a child who is experiencing overwhelm.
Collaboration between school, home, mental health professionals and within your family will assist your young person to re-engage with school. Overcoming fears and anxieties is a difficult task. By being patient, empathic and proactive, you can offer support and understanding when your child won’t go to school.
