Boundaries are a fundamental aspect of healthy relationships and personal wellbeing. In the physical world, a boundary can be a fence, a wall, a hedge, a contract, an exclusive relationship, a sign that says “keep out!” or a list of expectations. A boundary is a statement about what is acceptable to you. To be effective, it must be communicated clearly. It is essential to establish and maintain boundaries so that their values are understood and respected.
By stating what is acceptable to you, you make an invisible line, visible. It is like putting up a fence around what is important to you so that it is protected. If you are unable to say what is acceptable to you other people find it hard to identify if they are relating to you appropriately.
An example of a boundary may be that you prioritise your physical health by going to the gym 4 days a week, after work. By not communicating this to your friends and family, they might call you when you’re working out and interrupt you. This could happen several times, and will probably lead to you becoming frustrated that they continue to ring at an inconvenient time. By not telling them that working out is the priority on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday between 4pm and 5pm, they won’t know, and will continue to violate your boundary. Communication is the best response to disrespected boundaries.
Boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships, ensuring that both partners feel respected and comfortable. Feeling safe to state what is acceptable and unacceptable is key to setting boundaries in a romantic relationship. This reduces misunderstandings and conflict. Good communication skills are needed in any relationship, but are especially important to clearly set a boundary.
Boundaries should be firm, but flexible. Setting a boundary, and then discovering that after a while it is no longer applicable, it’s ok to change it. You are not locked in to any limits that you set. However, if you set a boundary and it is important to you that it remain upheld, there may be times when you need to remind others about it and stick with what you’ve decided.
Respecting others’ boundaries is equally important. If someone tells you that a behaviour is unacceptable, respect their boundary and abide by their limit. Listen well to gain an understanding of why this is important to them. Rather than trying to talk them out of it, practice empathy and active listening to understand their needs and limits. Safe and respectful relationships will always include clearly communicated personal boundaries.
Championing others’ boundaries is a sign of maturity. Your family and friends will appreciate your understanding as they communicate their boundaries to you. When setting boundaries for yourself, view them as a demonstration of self-respect.
Boundaries can feel selfish at first. Others may accuse you of being unreasonable. You may experience push back on the boundaries that you set. It takes practice to respond to your own needs with clearly communicated boundaries, and then to uphold them under pressure. However, boundaries bring clarity and safety to relationships, so are worth implementing in your life.
