If you’ve been with your partner for a number of years, it is entirely possible that they annoy you. You’ve been through the good and the bad. You might be wondering if it’s time for a change – you could update your partner. However, I think that we write off our relationships too quickly and instead of updating your partner, why not try updating your knowledge of your partner and their knowledge of you?
When you were first together, you probably spent hours talking about all kinds of things. You got to know your partner’s family upbringing, their likes, their quirks, their sense of humour and their dislikes. And they did the same with you. Considering that you are not the same person that you were 5, 10 or 20 years ago, your partner will have changed also. People grow and find new interests, new skills, different things that they like.
For example, my husband had limited exposure to food from other cultures when he was growing up. He did not have the opportunity to try Mexican or Indian or Asian food. Subsequently, he didn’t think he liked that food when I met him. Over the years that has changed – he now loves to cook a curry and will choose Vietnamese or Thai food when we go out. If my knowledge of him was restricted to what I knew about him when we met, and the person that he was then, we’d miss out on the rich experience of eating and enjoying international cuisine.
Job changes can bring a new circle of friends into your partner’s life. Further education introduces us to more challenging concepts and perhaps new skills. Aging can mean that we can’t engage in the same activities that brought us joy as a young person, so exercise and social activities can also change to accomodate our slower bodies.
Taking the time to ask questions about your partner’s inner world can expand your appreciation of them. If you update your partner on what is important to you these days, it can deepen your connection. Understanding, appreciating and knowing more about your partner can be very enriching to your relationship. Don’t settle for old information – get the update. You may find that the relationship you already have is what you need – you don’t really need a different partner, you just need to know your current partner in a new and deeper way.
If you’re looking for questions to ask so that you can update your partner, I suggest dowloading the Gottman Institute App to your phone. There are multiple prompts and topics for conversation which you can use on date nights, on long drives in the car, over dinner or just when you feel like it. Building a better friendship and increasing intimacy rests on knowing each other. So, update your partner and you might find yourself in a whole new relationship – one that is surprisingly satisfying.
