“I am the house. Emotions are temporary guests. Therefore: Let them flow. Let them go” Matt Laney.
Advance warning of an impending loss, may cause anticipatory grief. This means experiencing the thoughts and feelings associated with grief before the loss happens in real life. Although it involves pre-emptive grief for the person who will be gone, it also includes grieving in advance the shared experiences and potential milestones that will happen in that person’s absence. The knowledge that you’ll be celebrating birthdays, weddings, births and the small joys of life alone can make you very sad.
The practical preparations such as planning a funeral or celebration of life, arranging wills and final wishes and preparing for life by yourself are all important things to do, however they can also raise feelings of grief within us.
Those emotions might include:
Anxiety
Depression or sadness
Numbness
Fear
Exhaustion
Anger and feelings of injustice
Guilt
Loneliness
You may want to talk through your feelings to make sense of what is happening. Equally, you may be feeling so raw that discussing your emotions just brings another wave of pain.
Some good ways to manage these feelings might include:
Connect with people who care about you. This might be family and friends, or a grief support group specific to the circumstances involving your loved one. Eg SANDS or Alzheimer’s Support
Express your feelings. Talking can help you externalise how you’re feeling. You may find that you are easily upset and cry more frequently. This can be a release. There are many strategies that will support you as you process your feelings. A counsellor can assist with this. An artistic outlet can also take the pressure off when you feel like you really don’t know how you feel or how to express yourself. The most important thing to know is that denial and repressing emotions when you are grieving is not helpful in the long term.
Say what needs to be said. You might have some unfinished business with the person who is dying. That can be in the form of unspoken words. It can be incredibly healing for both of you if you’re able to say some things that have been too difficult until now.
Anticipatory grief can be very draining. Don’t be afraid to spend time with your loved one doing pleasant things like reminiscing, telling stories, asking meaningful questions, being silly, making memories. Dying can be a positive time when you can affirm your loved one, so lean into the time you have together and enjoy each other’s company.
Self-care is important at any time, but especially at this time. Keep engaging in your already established self-care practices. If you don’t have any, choose one or two and prioritise them.
Finally, remember that there is no right way to grieve. Whatever comes up for you is valid and can be addressed. Be gentle with yourself and speak to yourself as you would a best friend. Anticipating a loss does not reduce the grief that you will feel after the person has died. (1) There is no shortcut to grief.
As Matt Laney says, “Denying, rejecting, or clinging to feelings is as productive as fighting an ocean wave or holding an armful of water. Feelings happen. Let them come and let them go. Instead of combating or clinging to emotional waves, learn to float.”
(1) https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272735816000039
