When your teenager lies it’s easy to feel betrayed, confused and angry. The expectation that your children will be honest with you flows from your value that telling the truth is important. When a child disregards a parent’s values, it can be easy to take that personally. However, understanding why your teenager is acting as they do will help you to have some tough conversations.
Why is my teenager lying?
• Teenagers may lie to avoid punishment. The fear of parental anger or disappointment can be enough to make a teenager be dishonest.
• Peer acceptance is very powerful, so teens sometimes lie to fit in with their social group or to hide behaviours which risk social exclusion.
• As teenagers become more independent, lying can exclude parents from the teen’s private world. Not every teen wants their parent to be in and out of their business. . Teens may not have the communication skills to tell you that, so lying might be the only way they know to maintain some privacy.
• Life span development research tells us that adolescence is a time when young people are forming their own identity and pulling away from their parents. 1
What can you do?
Fostering honesty is dependent upon parents modelling telling the truth, displaying strong communication skills, empathic listening and good problem solving skills. Additionally, establishing clear expectations about honesty and consequences for lying will convey that you value trust in your family. Integrity, being reliable and keeping your word are good character traits to have, so working through dishonesty is worth the effort.
When your teenager lies to you, be reassured that it is a normal part of adolescent development. However, if lying becomes chronic, or is associated with other, more serious issues such as depression, substance abuse or risky behaviour, seek some professional help. If your teen does not want to see a counsellor, you are free to do so without them to gain some insight and strategies.
Receiving support while you are working through difficult situations is courageous and will be helpful for the entire family.
1 Voluntariness, timing and consistency in adolescent routine disclosure and lying to parents; Smetana, Li and Mncwabe, 2023 https://doi.org/10.1002/jad.12265
