Mother-daughter conflict can range from minor irritation to full-blown relationship breakdown. The principles of resolving either extreme are the same, although the more damaged the relationship, the more need for careful work. Conflict is a part of life; you can’t avoid it. Daughters learn much about relationships from their mothers, so why not model good mother-daughter conflict resolution for your daughter?
Principles of communication to address conflict:
Listen to understand
Respond with empathy
Consider where you will be uncompromising AND what is negotiable
If you need to take responsibility and apologise, do it
Be clear when stating your boundaries and respect the other person’s boundaries
Check in regularly
Communication
Without mutual respect and understanding, no conflict between any 2 people will be resolved. This means that intentionally listening to each other’s perspective without judgement is the initial step. If good communication skills are lacking in your family, this will be very difficult without some external support. Consider seeking the help of a counsellor to learn how to communicate effectively.
If active listening, listening to understand and ‘I statements’ are already a part of your communication repertoire, then you have a much better chance of reaching a compromise based on mutual respect, but having an unbiased person present for the hard conversations can really make a difference.
Compromise
Compromise is a win-win outcome. If both parties don’t feel that they are gaining something from the agreement, you’ve not really reached a compromise. The best compromises are collaborative and the result of understanding each other’s perspective.
Boundaries
Boundaries make what you find acceptable and unacceptable clear to others. They keep you safe and comfortable. If you daughter is a teenager, learning how to set boundaries is a life skill that will help her into her adult years. Communicating boundaries is just as important as setting them, so put some time into this area. If you’ve violated a boundary that was already set, apologise, and don’t do it again. Mother-daughter relationships involve power dynamics that change as your daughter grows up, so having flexible boundaries that take this into consideration is vital.
Check In
Mother-daughter conflict is not resolved in one conversation for the rest of your lives. It’s going to take some repair work, re-establishing trust in each other, and then building on the relationship going forward. Simple check ins will let you know the health of your relationship.
While it can be challenging, mother-daughter conflict offers an opportunity for growth, understanding and ultimately, a stronger and more resilient relationship. By addressing conflicts with empathy, honest communication and a commitment to each other’s best interests, mothers and daughters can work through many difficult situations together.
